The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
