Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
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please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
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I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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