I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you didnt know i had herpes?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
