i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
