The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
