Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
