its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Randomize
