I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He passed out mid-signature
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
