I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
