I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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