How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
