Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
