I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
