i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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