Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
