I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
