I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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