We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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