My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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