The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
