I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
