my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
