can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
