last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
