FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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