I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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