the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
