I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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