Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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