My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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