why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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