and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
smell my finger.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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