I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
