i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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