Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
