So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
