I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
