suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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