I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
