This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
