I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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