i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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