dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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