the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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