I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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