I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
