Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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