He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
