I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
