I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
