apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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