Four minutes until I can fart!
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's blow job season.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
