I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
