well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
