Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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