I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
So I just went to clothing optional bar
How does it feel to date your dad?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
