I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
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