peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
